I skipped work to stalk him.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
