you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
