dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
