I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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