Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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