How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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