last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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