his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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