god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
