my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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