Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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