he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
