i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
