His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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