I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
