living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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