When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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