You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
i think my cat just said my name.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
