Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
