i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
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