I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
