I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
