he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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