So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
