Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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