Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
