woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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