This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
