Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
please come you make the beer taste better
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
