U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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