She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
