god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
