Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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