Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
40s are totally the cure
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
