I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
