I hate your face
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
