Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
These tits shall not be calmed
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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