When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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