I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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