Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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