If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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