Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
