I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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