Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Randomize
