I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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