He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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