Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
