Already got asked if we're dating
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just gift wrapped bread.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
