I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
