I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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