You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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