my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
