last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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