I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Randomize
