My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
