You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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