This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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