She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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