she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
