Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
