I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm like, not good at living.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
